Ask The Crone, M.D.
Installment 1
You asked. The Crone answered. No appointment necessary.
Take her seriously but not literally. She isn’t into online relationships, especially of the medical variety.
What is a geriatrician? I asked my doctor and he quickly said, “Oh, I see old people too.”
Primary care also sees people with hearts, but that doesn’t keep them from sending patients to cardiologists.
Geriatricians are internists or family physicians who have done at least one extra year of training on the nuances of caring for older adults. Some of us, like The Crone, are masochists and did three extra years.
Geriatricians are an elite workforce (because nobody wants to join us), about 7,000 board certified strong in the US. Our patients’ average age is in the mid-80s, but age ain’t nothin’ but a number. If you have more specialists than you can count on one hand and struggle to keep up or if your loved ones are starting to be called caregivers, we want to see you. Bonus: we’re consistently rated the most satisfied doctors in medicine, so at least someone in the room will be happy to be there. We’ll give you our assessment of your 5Ms and tune you up to stay as independent as possible.
What are the 5Ms? I’ll leave you on this cliffhanger for another day.
Two months ago I was rounding up cattle. Now I need a cane to get out of a chair. My doctor says I’m just getting old. Is this true?
Short answer: WTF? No!
Many people in their 20s can’t herd cattle. Many people in their 90s don’t need a cane. I must have missed the class in med school where we discussed the physiologic mechanism for age causing assistive device use.
Age isn’t a diagnosis — well, there is an official copout diagnosis, “Age-Related Physical Debility,” ICD-10 R54.
My mind is buzzing with tons of questions for you, like can you send me a picture of the cute baby cows? But also has the weakness caused you to fall, kept you from walking or even dressing or bathing?
Take the bull by the horns and follow up with your doctor. If you get another shrug, find a new doctor. If you’re 65+, think about a geriatrician. If not, make sure your new doctor is a crone.
I’m pretty sure your first name isn’t The and your last name isn’t Crone. Why would a geriatrician do that?
Because “Crone Powers M.D.” carries an implied threat of doom to those not following my advice that “Dr. Powers” just can’t convey.
But more seriously, we’ve already talked about why words matter. Reclaiming the word crone honors the many women I have known personally and professionally who get louder, wittier, and more powerful as they age. It will no longer be used to shame them back into silence.
Crone is one of the oldest, funniest, most misunderstood titles a woman can hold. Embodying The Crone archetype lets me deliver truths in a way that my alter ego archetype of The Doctor will never let me. The Crone gets to be blunt, a little unhinged, and completely serious at the same time, because just like science and spirituality, reverence and humor were never actually opposites. Everyone just forgot that around the same time they started being scared of old women.
That’s it for this round. Have more questions? Send them in. I can’t promise an answer, but I can promise an opinion.
The content on Crone Powers is for informational and entertainment purposes only. It does not constitute medical advice. I am a doctor, but I AM NOT YOUR DOCTOR. Always consult your medical and mental health professionals before ADDING—NEVER SUBSTITUTING—spiritual modalities to your care. Remember, woo only works when you do the work.
The views and opinions expressed here are my own and do not represent those of my employer or any institution with which I am affiliated.